I had a miscarriage... // Life Update

I've been taking some time to myself recently while trying to stop myself from having a total mental breakdown. I've been bottling things up and shutting out some of my closest family and friends but after spending a-lot of my time recently trying to stay relaxed on the sofa I've done a-lot of scrolling through Instagram and I've discovered that I'm not alone. It's time for me to share our story.  

For the past few years I've never felt more ready to become a mum. I feel it's something I was born to be. I was beyond excited when myself and Euan discovered our good news. We didn't think things would happen for us so quickly but we were both so ready to become parents, to take that next step in our lives, another chapter in our book. However this chapter wasn't meant to be for us and I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, but that's hard at the moment for me to grasp my head around. Why me? Why us?  What have I done wrong? Loosing something we had hoped and dreamed for hurts to the core. I am so grateful to have had Euan by my side, he's been my rock, my whole entire world. He's stayed strong for me when I know things aren't easy for him either. He's been doing all he can to make me smile, to make me laugh and I can't even begin to describe how lucky I am to have him. 

A good few weeks ago we discovered that we were expecting our first baby. We found out pretty early on, around the 2/3 week mark. We shared our news with some of our closest family and friends. We were excited! Plodding about daily life in a happy little bubble of love, planning what sort of parents we wanted to be, pinning ideas for nursery's to our Pinterest wall. 

Around two weeks ago things started to go all wrong for us. Last week was the worst week of my life. The pain, the bleeding, the emotions. I was struggling to stay positive after being told over the phone by a midwife to relax, but it's hard when things just don't seem normal. I just knew something wasn't right but we had to hold out until our next scan to find out what was happening. Last week was the longest, toughest week imaginable and on Monday the 28th of May on my 27th birthday we headed for our second early scan where we were given the  devastating news that we had in fact lost our baby, lost our pregnancy. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to burst out into tears in front of some people I didn't know. I was handed a leaflet and we headed for the door. It was strange and I know that no one within in the building would be able to help me, to make things better, I just had to leave the building as quickly as possible. I kept it together until we got back to the car then every emotion possible just hit me and I broke down. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. The only person I needed around me was Euan and he was right there by my side. He's the only person that makes it all okay.   

I'm still struggling to wrap my head around things if I'm being honest. This past week or so has been full of ups n downs and I have so many mixed emotions. I feel helpless, I'm scared, confused, heartbroken and I seem to have developed the worst anxiety ever. I've been shutting myself away and finding it hard to get myself back into my routine and back to normality. The list of things goes on to be honest and I know it will just take some time for it all to be okay again. 

One thing that I wasn't prepared for was how painful things have been physically. I knew emotionally things would be hard to deal with but I can't begin to describe the cramping, the pain. I've had good days and bad days. The majority of the time I've been curled on the sofa only really moving to go to the bathroom. The pains come and go. I've never known someone to have had a miscarriage, no one ever speaks about the sad things. We only ever see on social media the happy news. The exciting announcements, the gender reveals and baby showers and theres nothing wrong with that at all, I'd even planned these things in my head already, how we would do things. No one ever shares the sad experiences, but maybe we should? Maybe we should share more of the tough times to realise that we aren't alone? These things happen and they are tough but we pull through them eventually

It's taken me some time to decide if I should post this or not as my blog or Instagram feed they are normally filled with happy or foodie posts. I don't write this post for sympathy, I write this in the hope that it helps someone else who may be going through this same process of loss and grief, to let them know that we aren't always alone. It's okay to not be okay! It's okay to cry. But if you do see me and I don't want to talk about it face to face just yet then don't be offended I'm just trying to process things on my own, with Euan. It's nothing personal, it's just my way of trying to deal with things. I've found writing down my feelings and reading other peoples experiences is helping me ever so slightly. 

To the 1 in 4 women and couples that experience this my heart truly goes out to you. It's hard mentally and physically but we will be alright eventually, sometimes it just takes some time. 

Sarah // 

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