Struggling Since Miscarriage ! // Life Update

65 days ago my heart broke and ever since then I've been struggling a bit with my emotions, normally it's behind closed doors at home. I don't like to come across as this weak, unstable, depressive person around people who normally see me so happy. I'm trying to keep it all held together...

Ever since I shared my last blog post about us having a miscarriage we've had so many messages of love and support, It's been overwhelming. I've also had at least 15 other women message me to say they've experienced the same thing, some who I know and others I've never even met before. Social media can connect us with so many new people and It's crazy for me to think that me and euan were all alone in our experience when in fact we weren't. I was surrounded by women who knew exactly the same heartache to us and I had no idea.

Miscarriage still seems to be this taboo subject that's brushed under the carpet and it's never really spoken about and I really do feel that needs to change, hence my updates over on Instagram or here on my blog. Us women and our partners have just went through something traumatic and we are meant to just be able to pop back to work and continue on like nothings happened, pick up where we left off before being away. We're meant to be able to attend that get together with family and friends and just act like everything's okay when in reality it's not. We shouldn't have to continue on like nothings happened, because something did happen, something big. You created life, you were preparing to become parents but that journey was sadly taken away from you when you didn't expect it to be. Yeah it happens alot, more than we know but it's rarely spoken about and that just shouldn't be the case, we need to talk about it more.

I'm struggling to focus on things recently. My mind keeps zoning out from daily life and I sometimes find myself just staring into space feeling empty and alone when in reality I'm not alone at all. I often find Euan just randomly speaking to me, asking me if I'm okay and that he's worried about me because I'll have just disconnected with what's going on around me and I'll have completely zoned out and I don't know where my minds been. Weird I know but I can't help it. I feel lost, and not in control of my own mind or body.

I have found I've struggled more since coming home from our holidays to be honest. My mind had something to look forward too, something to be excited about and I got so caught up in all the Disney magic while we were away that my head and heart forgot about the pain for a little while and it stopped aching. Something that that really got to me while we were away was when we had just boarded our flight to Orlando. Myself and Euan were seated and waiting to take off when a baby a few rows confront of us started to get upset and cry. I don't even know what came over me but the tears just started to stream down to face as I looked out the window hoping that no one would see. Euan was right by my side to wipe away my tears and make sure that I was okay, holding tightly onto my hand. The babies screams just went straight through me, all I wanted to do was stand up and give the baby the biggest cuddle, tell them that it was going to be okay but that baby wasn't mine, I wasn't that babies mother, it wasn't my place. Thar baby had nothing to do with me but I couldn't help but get emotional over its heartbreaking cries. Stupid right?

I've also had my first period since having our miscarriage and it happened while we were away on holiday, I know too much information (sorry to any male readers of my blog) but I couldn't help but feel down and a little bit sad. It was another reminder to myself that my body had stopped growing our little baby and that my body was getting back into its normal cycle. I tried to not let it get to me too much while we were away and plenty mickey mouse shaped, chocolate covered treats soon made me forget about it all for a little while. I had the best time while we were away, surrounded by Euans family and friends we enjoyed every second of our holiday. Florida has this special place in my heart and it always brings me joy and happy memories. I'm so lucky that we got to go away and experience all the disney fun. 

I didn't realise that there is a miscarriage support group here in Aberdeen. To be honest I don't even know how I came across it, I wasn't searching for it. I felt that I had all my emotions under control so I didn't go looking for help but it somehow popped up on my facebook feed one night. MISS (Miscarriage Information Support Service) was founded by Abi Clarke and it was set up here in Aberdeen for women to feel that they are not alone, for women and their partners to be able to speak/listen to others who have experienced the same thing. I've decided to head along to my first support group meeting this week with a friend and I'm hoping it'll help me with my healing process. Will I talk out loud about our experience and loss to a group of people I've never met before? I don't know. 

I'm also reading a book by Catherine Keating called There was supposed to be a baby which is a guide to healing after pregnancy loss. I came across Catherine's book after my last blog post and she managed to get her book shipped out to me while I was in florida and I'm reading my way through it at the moment. She also has a blog which is full of helpful resources which I'll link here. If you are also struggling with pregnancy loss and loneliness I definitely recommend getting your hands on her book, it's beautiful written and I've been reaching for it each night. If I'm being honest at the moment I'm still I finding writing down my feelings in a message to friends or family and even writing them down here on my blog alot easier than just opening my mouth and speaking. I speak to euan about how I'm feeling all the time but I just can't physically open up to anyone else about it just yet. I'm hoping that'll change, I don't want friends or family to feel like I'm not letting them in or that I'm pushing them away. That isn't the case at all. I'm just trying to figure out a way to deal with it all, one day at a time.

Sarah //


YouTube // Walt Disney World Vlog / Day 1


I had a miscarriage... // Life Update

I've been taking some time to myself recently while trying to stop myself from having a total mental breakdown. I've been bottling things up and shutting out some of my closest family and friends but after spending a-lot of my time recently trying to stay relaxed on the sofa I've done a-lot of scrolling through Instagram and I've discovered that I'm not alone. It's time for me to share our story.  

For the past few years I've never felt more ready to become a mum. I feel it's something I was born to be. I was beyond excited when myself and Euan discovered our good news. We didn't think things would happen for us so quickly but we were both so ready to become parents, to take that next step in our lives, another chapter in our book. However this chapter wasn't meant to be for us and I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, but that's hard at the moment for me to grasp my head around. Why me? Why us?  What have I done wrong? Loosing something we had hoped and dreamed for hurts to the core. I am so grateful to have had Euan by my side, he's been my rock, my whole entire world. He's stayed strong for me when I know things aren't easy for him either. He's been doing all he can to make me smile, to make me laugh and I can't even begin to describe how lucky I am to have him. 

A good few weeks ago we discovered that we were expecting our first baby. We found out pretty early on, around the 2/3 week mark. We shared our news with some of our closest family and friends. We were excited! Plodding about daily life in a happy little bubble of love, planning what sort of parents we wanted to be, pinning ideas for nursery's to our Pinterest wall. 

Around two weeks ago things started to go all wrong for us. Last week was the worst week of my life. The pain, the bleeding, the emotions. I was struggling to stay positive after being told over the phone by a midwife to relax, but it's hard when things just don't seem normal. I just knew something wasn't right but we had to hold out until our next scan to find out what was happening. Last week was the longest, toughest week imaginable and on Monday the 28th of May on my 27th birthday we headed for our second early scan where we were given the  devastating news that we had in fact lost our baby, lost our pregnancy. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to burst out into tears in front of some people I didn't know. I was handed a leaflet and we headed for the door. It was strange and I know that no one within in the building would be able to help me, to make things better, I just had to leave the building as quickly as possible. I kept it together until we got back to the car then every emotion possible just hit me and I broke down. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. The only person I needed around me was Euan and he was right there by my side. He's the only person that makes it all okay.   

I'm still struggling to wrap my head around things if I'm being honest. This past week or so has been full of ups n downs and I have so many mixed emotions. I feel helpless, I'm scared, confused, heartbroken and I seem to have developed the worst anxiety ever. I've been shutting myself away and finding it hard to get myself back into my routine and back to normality. The list of things goes on to be honest and I know it will just take some time for it all to be okay again. 

One thing that I wasn't prepared for was how painful things have been physically. I knew emotionally things would be hard to deal with but I can't begin to describe the cramping, the pain. I've had good days and bad days. The majority of the time I've been curled on the sofa only really moving to go to the bathroom. The pains come and go. I've never known someone to have had a miscarriage, no one ever speaks about the sad things. We only ever see on social media the happy news. The exciting announcements, the gender reveals and baby showers and theres nothing wrong with that at all, I'd even planned these things in my head already, how we would do things. No one ever shares the sad experiences, but maybe we should? Maybe we should share more of the tough times to realise that we aren't alone? These things happen and they are tough but we pull through them eventually

It's taken me some time to decide if I should post this or not as my blog or Instagram feed they are normally filled with happy or foodie posts. I don't write this post for sympathy, I write this in the hope that it helps someone else who may be going through this same process of loss and grief, to let them know that we aren't always alone. It's okay to not be okay! It's okay to cry. But if you do see me and I don't want to talk about it face to face just yet then don't be offended I'm just trying to process things on my own, with Euan. It's nothing personal, it's just my way of trying to deal with things. I've found writing down my feelings and reading other peoples experiences is helping me ever so slightly. 

To the 1 in 4 women and couples that experience this my heart truly goes out to you. It's hard mentally and physically but we will be alright eventually, sometimes it just takes some time. 

Sarah // 

New Cocktail Menu Launch // Orchid, Aberdeen

If you haven't been to Orchid before then where have you been? 

Orchid is located on Langstane Place next door to Yatai and just up the street from Soul & Dusk. At the end of last year they won the SLTN award for Cocktail Bar of the Year and they most certainly deserve it! 

Orchid has a very special place in my heart, it's where myself and euan celebrated our engagement with all our friends and family and it's one of my favourite cocktail bars in Aberdeen. Martin Farmer from Porters Gin recently asked us along to the launch night for Orchids new cocktail menu and we certainly couldn't miss it! 

You will have to excuse my photo skills on this blog post. If you have ever been in Orchid before you'll know that it's quite dark which makes taking photos of pretty cocktails quite difficult. Orchid is beautiful inside though, it's dark and rustic and covered in all things copper which I absolutely love! 

When we arrived Nick the general manager seated us to a table near the window and provided us both with an arrival cocktail and cheese board! The first cocktail was 'AJ's Knockout'. This is a rum based tropical cocktail made with clarified milk and inside the glass was an ice cube which had orchids logo branded into it, a very nice touch! This cocktail was awesome! It was so light and refreshing, you could easily sit and drink these all night and not get fed up or sickened with the taste. 

While devouring the awesome cheeseboard that they had provided Euan spent some time trying to capture some video footage of the orchid team hard at work for his youtube channel. The cheese was fantastic and complimented the cocktails really well and with euan not being that into cheese boards I happily munched my way through all the different cheeses while deciding which cocktail was next on my hit list.

Next up was 'I like big buns and I cannot lie' which included a hot cross bun syrup! This one was a little too strong for me, but it most definitely tasted like hot cross buns! I didn't dislike it though, I just prefer my cocktails to not taste of the alcohol thats in them so it's certainly worth ordering if you love the taste of HCB's and something a bit stronger as you can really taste all the flavours within it. 

I love something that's more light and fruity which brings me onto 'Smoke but no Cigar'! WOW! This drink is without a doubt my new go to drink here in Orchid! It's so light, fresh and also really fruity but it has these smokey notes that you can taste in every sip which I thought gave it a very unique twist! 

I popped into Orchid again on the Friday night with my girls and Adrain really looked after us. He even let me stand about and take all the boomerangs of him shaking up our drinks. The staff in Orchid really are fantastic! They would go above and beyond to create something unique for you if you didn't spot anything you fancied on their new menu. That being said I really do think that this menu that they have launched really has something different for everyone to try, taste and love. 

If you haven't been into Orchid I'm not entirely sure where you have been hiding when you go on a night out but the drinks that the team create here really are on a different level to most other bars in Aberdeen and they really do put a lot of thought and care into every drink that they make. So next time you are out in town for some drinks with the girls or a catch up with the lads you have to make sure Orchid is on the list of places you will be checking out. 

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