YouTube // Walt Disney World Vlog // Day 11


Baby of Mine... // Life Update

To baby Wilson due on the 24th of December 2018...

I've been dreading today for well over a month now, I’ve feel like such an emotional wreck when I think about today. Today would have been your due date. The whole family would have been anxiously awaiting your arrival. You could have possibly even been here now if you were anything like your dad and arrived early. But today's the day we were told you would be here and for the past while it's all that's been playing on my mind however much I've tried not to think about it because even the smallest thought about you will leave me broken.

To be honest I haven’t been sleeping well these past few weeks. I don't know if it's because my body is still subconsciously preparing for you to be here and for me to be awake half the night? I'm not ready for your due date but I'm also hoping that with it some of my grief might pass. Some days have not been easy, I've lashed out at those around me, especially your dad but sometimes my pain is raw and my heart aches and my arms crave to hold you close to my heart. There's been some really low times where all I want is to just disappear or hide and all I want to do is curl up into bed and spend time alone, mostly when I'm hormonal. Alone in a dark room at home cosied under the covers is where I feel most at peace. I get far too anxious in a loud busy space which definitely isn't the sort of person I used to be. 

I know that this hasn’t been easy for your dad either. He too can sometimes feel the weight of the pain I'm suffering and he always seems to be at the receiving end of my outbursts. His life to changed from the moment I showed him the positive pregnancy test to telling our closest family and friends and those awful trips to the hospital, he too was scared and unsure of what was happening. I know he would have been the best dad to you. I know he had even dreamt of the things he'd teach you and of all the ways he would protect you and how he always wanted be the one to take you to the dentist because I always cause such a drama. I know he would have been so hands on with you, sharing the responsibility of you together with me. Our adventure to becoming your parents ended quickly and I know he doesn't always know what’s wrong with me or what triggers my outbursts and breakdowns but he's been my absolute rock while grieving for you and I'm so lucky to have him by my side.

Loosing you has taught me a lot about myself and the people around me. I've lost friends but I've also made new ones and even though it's not been the best circumstances I'm so grateful for the new friendships I've gained. I'll never forget who ignored me when I needed them the most and who helped me without me even having to ask. I truly appreciate all those people who have checked in on me and your dad. When something bad happens in your life they say that the people who understand your tears are much more valuable than the people who only know your smile and I have to 100% agree. Loosing you has been awful but I am so happy to have gained the best friendships around. 

I am so sorry that I never got to hear your heartbeat or your feet kick against my ribs. I am sorry that I will never get to hold you close in my arms or kiss your little face. I will never get to nurse you like I hoped I could. There's actually so many things I'd dreamt of doing with you before we even knew you were inside my tummy. I was so excited about you. I've never quite known my purpose in life but I've always known that I wanted to be a mum. I know that it's what I'm meant to do and hopefully sometime in the future I'll get that chance again but baby of mine never forget you will always be etched on my heart, you were from the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. I know I only knew about you for a small while but for that small time I loved you and I always will...forever! 

Your mum x 


YouTube // Walt Disney World Vlog // Day 10


YouTube // Walt Disney World Vlog // Day 9

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